In Loving Memory: Jason Gideon
by GundamGurl17
Summary: My take on what happened when they found Gideon.  PLEASE NOTE: This was written AND posted before watching the episode.  Oneshot.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** My first Criminal Minds fic, and it has to be about Gideon committing suicide! Cries Ahem, anyway. Just a little FYI here: I taped Criminal Minds on Wednesday, and watched it Thursday night. All day Friday I worked on this fic (when I wasn't doing schoolwork of course). It was almost finished by the end of the day. I intended to have it finished and posted by Sunday, but obviously, that didn't happen. So, come Monday morning, and it's still not done. All I had to work on was the very end. So, during school Monday, I finished it, fully expecting to post it that night. It didn't happen. So, here I am on Thursday night, finally posting this fic. I still haven't watched the episode, so I don't even know if Gideon dies or not. I'm hoping he didn't, but judging from the previews, it looks like he did. Let me explain a couple other things. I wrote this based off of something my mom mentioned, actually. She said it sounded like the letter was intended for Reid. I had been thinking it was for Hotch, but when she mentioned that, I realized that it did sound more like it was for Reid, especially after I watched the beginning a second time to get the exact text of the letter. (Again, haven't seen the latest episode yet, so I don't know.) Finally, I made references to three episodes: The New Orleans case, where Reid missed the plane to hang out with an old friend, The Fisher King, Part 2, where Reid found that one girl... Jessica? in that freaky old guy's mansion after the old guy blew himself up, and the famous episode where that one really creepy schizophrenic dude kidnapped Reid. If you don't understand these references, then you shouldn't be reading this fic. Now, enough of my rambling. As always, reviews are appreciated, but please don't tell me that this isn't what happened, or that it doesn't make sense, because for the third time, I HAVEN'T SEEN THE EPISODE YET!!! Ahem. Thank you, and have a nice day.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Criminal Minds. If I did, I can assure you that Gideon would not commit suicide. I can also assure you that Spence would be my boyfriend. The first quote here is mine, I made it up, but I honestly don't care if you use it, it's just a quote. The last quote is something I read somewhere, I forget where, but thanks to whoever said it.

In Loving Memory:  
Jason Gideon

"It was only a week ago that Gideon told me: 'You are what life has made you, and that is neither good nor bad.'" - Dr. Spencer Reid

"I keep on calling him, but he doesn't call back," Reid spoke up with a quizzical look on his face. "He's up at his cabin. You know Gideon; maybe he just doesn't want to be disturbed." That was Morgan, always thinking rationally. While Reid's brain may have been quicker, it tended to jump to wilder conclusions, no matter how little sense they might make.  
"But Gideon would still answer his phone. What if there was an emergency and we needed him?" Reid argued.  
Morgan shook his head. "We needed you, and you didn't answer your phone."  
Reid looked into the older man's eyes and nodded slowly. He knew Morgan was referring to the case in New Orleans. "Still, I'm worried about him. He hasn't been himself lately…" He trailed off as Hotch entered the room.  
"Have either of you heard from Gideon?" he asked immediately.  
Morgan shook his head again, and Reid said, "Actually, that's just what we've been talking about."  
"I take it you haven't heard from him either," Morgan said. It was a statement, not a question.  
"No. I've called every number I can think of: home, cabin, cell. There's nothing."  
"How long has he been gone?" asked Reid.  
"He left for his cabin two days ago, right after that college campus case," Hotch said.  
Morgan's eyebrows went up. "And you haven't heard from him at all?"  
"No. I went to his home, but he's not there. On the other hand, he sometimes goes up to that cabin for up to a week at a time between cases."  
"Yeah, but he usually answers his phone."  
The three lapsed into silence after Morgan's statement. Then, "I'm going up there to check on him," Reid announced.  
"I'll go with you man." Morgan headed for the door.  
"I'll come along too; JJ and Prentiss can handle things here."  
Reid glanced up, but Hotch refused to meet his eyes. He must have been really worried. An uneasy feeling wrapped itself around Reid's stomach. It was something he had felt in the mansion, and again in the field with JJ. Something like a mix of nervousness and dread, the sort of sixth sense that one gets when something bad is about to happen. Theoretically speaking, a sixth sense wasn't impossible, Reid thought. What with the powers of the subconscious, and the large section of our brains we don't even use…  
"Reid! You coming?" Morgan brought him sharply out of his musings.  
"Hm?" he asked, looking up. "Oh. Yeah, I'm coming." Pulling his letterman's bag over his shoulder, he followed Morgan and Hotch out the door, swinging it shut behind him with a loud bang.  
Rather than take three separate cars, they piled into the black van, Hotch driving, Morgan riding shotgun, Reid in the back. They pulled up to the cabin a half hour later. Although it was only 7:30, the sun had nearly set, leaving only faint orange rays to illuminate the area. All three got out of the car slowly, as if expecting to see Gideon at the door any second, asking them what was going on. Hotch was the first one to the door, Morgan at his heels. Reid lagged behind, peering into the front window. The lights were off, the curtains drawn, and Reid couldn't see a thing.  
Hotch knocked loudly on the door with his fist, but received no answer. "Jason! Jason, it's Aaron Hotchner. If you can hear me, open up!" Hotch said loudly.  
Morgan moved to the window and tapped on it. "Gideon!" he yelled. Still no answer. Hotch grabbed the door handle, but found it locked.  
"I'll try around back," Reid said. To his surprise, the back door was unlocked. "Guys! Over here!" he called.  
"What?" came the combined shouts of Morgan and Hotch as the two jogged over."  
"This door's unlocked."  
Hotch frowned. "Gideon's never that careless, even way out here."  
The trio entered the cabin slowly, cautiously, apprehensively, like they would the house of a suspect, as if they didn't know what to expect. Reid went in first, and his fingers groped the wall for a light switch. Finding none, he pulled out his small flashlight, and Hotch and Morgan did the same.  
"Gideon!" Morgan called again.  
There was no sound, not the slightest hint of movement.  
"I'll check the back room," Reid offered.  
Morgan nodded. "I've got the kitchen."  
"I'll look in the bathroom."  
None of them bothered to say what they were looking for. They didn't know, and they weren't about to start coming up with guesses. Nearly anything was possible in their line of work.  
Reid made his way to the back hall before he could lose his nerve. It was a long, narrow hallway, only an arm span wide and about thirty paces long. It was utterly dark, except for a sliver of light from an almost-closed door at the end. The door to the bedroom.  
Reid crept down the hall, flashlight up, that uneasy feeling growing, gnawing at his insides. His right hand subconsciously crept to the gun on his belt. "G-Gideon?" he rasped. Clearing his throat, he said louder, "Gideon?" He turned off the flashlight as he reached the door.  
Placing a hand flat on the smooth wood and taking a breath to calm himself, Reid pushed the door open. It creaked like a haunted house in the movies. A reading lamp was on beside the bed, but it wasn't the lamp that held the young agent's attention. It was the bed.  
There was a figure under the quilt. It didn't appear to be moving. Reid tried to speak but his voice died in his throat. His heart was pounding against his rib cage, so loud it seemed Hotch could have heard it in the front room. Reid's hands visibly shook as he held up his flashlight and clicked it on.  
The light glinted off something black and metal on the ground: a gun. Gideon's gun. There was dried blood on the barrel. Inches above the gun, a hand dangled off of the bed. Gideon's hand. Reid gave a cry and dropped the flashlight. It briefly illuminated other things in the room – a bloodstained pillow, an expressionless face, a sealed white envelope – before hitting the ground with a clatter.  
Reid stumbled back ward into the doorframe. "_Morgan!_" he screamed, his fear and helplessness betrayed in his voice.  
"Reid!" came Morgan's reply, as distant as if shouted from the depths of a cave. The pounding of feet was heard as Morgan and Hotch came running. "Reid, what? What is it?!" Morgan asked frantically as he burst into the room and grabbed the younger agent by the shoulders. Reid, panicked and hyperventilating, could only shake his head, clutching Morgan's arms for support.  
Hotch entered the room seconds later, gun out, and switched on the light. A sharp gasp escaped his lips as the gruesome sight met his eyes.  
With a cry like that of a child Reid turned away, burying his face in Morgan's chest. "Oh my God," breathed Morgan. He could feel the wetness of Reid's tears through his shirt, and he pulled Reid into a hug, his own eyes glistening as he did so.  
Hotch was the first to react. "We have to go. The rest of the team needs to hear about this," he said, his voice as calm and controlled as ever, completely devoid of emotion.  
"C'mon Reid," Morgan said quietly, his voice choked. He attempted to steer Reid out of the room, but Reid held back.  
"Wait," he said. He went over to the nightstand and picked up the envelope from underneath the reading lamp. He was careful not to look at the bed as he crossed the room back to Morgan, and allowed himself to be led outside.  
Morgan and Reid sat on the front steps, Reid still holding on to the envelope, as Hotch made calls on his cell phone. When he had finished, he walked over to Reid and Morgan. Reid's tears flowed freely, and Morgan blinked furiously as he put an arm around Reid's shoulders.

"Are you alright?" Hotch asked, bending down and placing a gentle hand on Reid's back. Reid nodded and took a shaky breath. Twenty minutes after finding Gideon, his thin frame was still trembling. "We have to get back to Quantico. We can't stay here," Hotch said softly.  
Morgan stood and brushed a sleeve across his eyes. Then he held out a hand to Reid, who shook his head. "I – I'm – I'm okay," he managed. Reid rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands and stood up shakily. However, he had quite literally only gone two steps before he doubled over and threw up.  
Morgan was by his side in a second. "Are you alright man?" he asked.  
Reid, with his head down and hands braced on bent knees, nodded. Then he coughed, spat in the dirt, and straightened. "Uhhhhnnn." With a moan, Reid clutched his head and nearly passed out.  
Morgan caught him. "Shhh. Breathe man, you're okay." Reid coughed again, retching. "You good?" Morgan asked, obviously concerned.  
"I-I think so," Reid choked out. His throat was scalding.  
"We need to go. We can't stay here," Hotch repeated.  
"Right," Morgan responded, pulling Reid's arm over his shoulder and helping the younger man into the car.  
As soon as all three were seated, Hotch sped off. On the way back to Quantico, the car's occupants were deathly quiet. Hotch gripped the steering wheel with two white-knuckled hands, and stared out the front window stoicly. Morgan had leaned his head back on the seat and closed his eyes, drowning out the world with music in his headphones. Reid, seated in the back, slowly opened the envelope he had found. His insides went numb as he began to read the slanted scrawl he knew to be Gideon's:

_I knew it would be you who came to the cabin to check on me. You must be frightened; I apologize for that. I never meant to cause you any pain, and I also never envisioned writing this letter…_

"I once heard a wise man say: 'Death, like life, is a miracle. Without death, we could not value life.'" - Aaron Hotchner


	2. AN 2

**A/N 2:** Hi guys (again). Okay, FYI, this isn't a second chapter, it's a second author's note, because for some reason, I can't edit an existing chapter. If anybody knows how to do that, please tell me. Now, on to the really important stuff. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for all the reviews!!! (And to all those of faved, I love you all!) I guess it's because I picked such a hot topic. I saw all the emails and I thought "Oh boy, either they really hated it, or they really liked it." And you all liked it! I was reading them while my dad was around, and I kept saying "They liked it! Oh my gosh, they aren't mad at me, they really liked it!" You guys made my day!

I guess I have to say that the biggest concern for me was getting the emotions right. I just really wanted this to come out exactly as I envisioned it, because to me, it was so _real_. I could see the scene, I could hear the characters voices saying the lines perfectly in my head. (That doesn't make me sound crazy… does it?) Until I saw the episode, this, to me, was _actually _what happened, and I'm really quite pleased with the way this one turned out.

Anyway, I watched the episode literally right after I posted, and here's the funny story about what went through my head. My first thoughts were: What the heck is happening to the BAU? Because everyone was leaving. But, for the most part, it seemed like a normal episode. I expected it to deal more with Gideon, but it didn't. I mean, Spencer mentioned him a couple times, but other than that, nothing.

So then I'm sitting there, and there's like, five minutes left, and I'm thinking, what if they don't show Gideon until next week? And then I was worried that I'd have to wait another whole week to see if he committed suicide or not. But then, lifesaver that he is, it's the middle of the night and here comes a little white car. My mom goes "It's Reid." And I said "Is it?" and as he stepped out, I said "Oh my gosh, it is! Oh no, Reid!" And I sat on the couch with my knees up and my hands over my mouth, and I kept saying "Reid, Gideon, oh my gosh, no!" And he went in and turned on his flashlight, and was all "Gideon?" and I expected any minute to see him on the ground, bloody, bullet hole in the head, but NO! There's his gun, and his badge, and that letter, on the counter as nice as you please. There was a brief moment where my only thought was a kind of disappointed sigh, and an "Oh."

Then the "I told you so's" started. See, even though my mom said it was a suicide note for Reid, I was confident, last week even, that Gideon would not commit suicide. I said "There's no way they can get rid of Gideon like that." She convinced me otherwise. But, I was right! Afterwards, I felt really bad, because in my story, Gideon died, but for real he didn't. I was imagining you'd all be mad at me! In a way, the end was disappointing, because I was fully expecting the drama of Gideon's death, which, frankly, I would have actually liked to see. (I don't know why, but I like to see Reid upset. Not that I don't like him or anything, quite the opposite! I guess seeing him upset just makes me want to hug him even more or something, I don't know!) But I much prefer him alive to dead, and I really loved his little conversation at the end.

It's ironic in a way, because normally, I'd write a fanfiction that brings dead people back. (like Sirius). Instead, I killed someone! Oh well. I have one complaint, and one only. Gideon sounded much better when he read the letter the first time. He sounded very distressed and emotional, and it was good. This time, however, he was just kind of reading it, and the general attitude was "Oh. Well, Spence, I'm leaving. Sorry. Hopefully I'll see you again. Whatever, bye." That got me a little angry. Other than that, it was an excellent episode.

And now, I'd like to formally apologize if you wasted any amount of your life reading this and found it absolutely pointless. For those of you who didn't, I appreciate all the reviews and favorites. I would hopefully like to post a new Criminal Minds fanfic, featuring the regular BAU team (With Gideon and Prentiss), of course. I have a couple of ideas, however, this is the distant future we're talking. It's just that I've now realized how much fun these guys are to write about, especially Spence! You can expect more of him in the future. And not, if you have any more comments or messages for me, you can send a review, or private message me from my profile. Thank you and goodnight (or good day?).


End file.
